Permission

Heya!

It's been so long since I've written on here so I don't even think you guys know this but - I'm in uni!

Been a long way, hasn't it. I was just reading my old posts and... jeez, I've grown so much mentally (not so much physically lol), and I lowkey miss just blurting out whatever was bothering me or what I have been contemplating about. I also just miss contemplating in general. Now that I'm in uni and have work and a busier social life than secondary school, I have less and less time to pause and just - think. I hope I can start practising thinking soon. :)

Anyway, there is actually something that's been on my mind a lot recently, and is becoming more apparent during this transition into an adult.

I've always been one of those kids who need their parents' permission for everything. Everything. And I know, it's a stage where everyone has gone through, but a stage where most uni students have gone out of already. Here are a few possible reasons for why I'm struggling so much to stop asking for permission:

1. Lack of self confidence

This has always been a problem for me, something to work on. I've always been the type of person where, teaching me a lesson with punishment does not work as effectively as positive encouragement, because punishment or harsh phrasing will result in me stuck in the stupid pit of self-doubt and being fucking depressed. I also have this fucked up mentality - every time I succeed or perform well in something, it gives me even more stress. I cannot mess up, because that will disappoint everybody. To disappoint is my worst nightmare. Hence, I don't have the confidence in myself to make the right decisions.

2. Afraid to take accountability

Also linked to the first point. By asking for permission, it becomes me and my parents who are all making a decision, rather than just my judgement. So I trust my parents' judgements and distrust my own, but if we all make the decision together, we are all to blame.

3. Strict parenting

My parents have been especially strict with my upbringing. Constantly requiring me to ask them for permission to things as little getting a snack with a friend after school (being home 30 minutes later than usual). They would go nuts if I didn't respond for an hour or two when in reality I stayed afterschool to do work. They were very wary of my circumstances, painting the world as a place of danger around every corner, so I have the same concept. The world is a dangerous place. Why risk having only one person's judgement when we can have multiple. If having more inputs means the decision is safer, then why not?

4. My parents are my best friends

Simple as that. My parents are my best friends. Even if it's impossible to have them be involved in every segment of my life, I'd like them to be there for as much of it as possible. Togetherness. I want every decision I make to be our decision.

A long rant. But alas, this cannot be. I cannot ask permission for everything, and I'm sad about that. I will try to make decisions for myself. I will try. I will try.

Sparky x