Sparky Blogs

In one of my past blog posts, I wrote about my artificial/fake feelings. A few hours ago, my parents and I all did the nine personalities types test. And I am type 2, the helper. I read a bit about my personality and its very similar to many of my blog posts, especially this specific one. In the previous blog post, I stated that I always tell myself how to feel instead of how I really feel. Something I read online was that type 2 personality cares a lot about how people see them, which is very accurate to me. I care a lot about my reputation and how people see me. It also stated that sometimes type 2 personality acts like another personality, which is again, very accurate. I tend to be a person that people like or look up to, but it may not be the real me. There is no right or wrong in personalities, so I shouldn't be ashamed to feel the way I do. Here I am, telling myself what to think again. Anyway, I did find this test very useful as it lets me get to know myself, the real me, m...

You probably saw the title of this post and think I'm writing about people letting me down. Well, it's not exactly about that. It's more about me letting other people down. It's my biggest nightmare when I let people down. For example if a teacher asks me a question, I'd get so scared I'll get it wrong and let down the teacher so I ended up not saying anything, which is even worse. What's going on my mind? All I was thinking was the teacher picked me to answer the question so she supposed I should know the answer but I really don't, if I get it wrong she will be disappointed in me. Of course, she probably isn't thinking of that, but in my mind, she is. I kind of put myself into pressure that I thought the teacher gave me, but it was all my imagination. Throughout the years of being a student, I consider myself as relatively lucky. I don't need to do much to get to the top, so I seldom have to deal with failure. This isn't me boasting, I a...

Am I somehow addicted to sadness? I find being sad very addicting, it's almost like I shouldn't be happy. But the sadness I'm talking about here isn't like crying my heart out. It's more like a 'ugh *sigh* I'm sad' Then I just log on to my blog and write my heart out like what I'm doing now. I sometimes even listen to sad songs on purpose just to get myself in the mood. To be honest, I'm not sure if it's sad or more like calm. It seems the same to me. It's kind of a problem actually, if I can only be calm when I'm sad, does that mean I'll always be sad? But then again, I like being sad. I'm just not sure if it's not good for my mental health in the long run. Sparky x

I absolutely hate routines. I'm the kind of person who loves freedom and hates doing the same thing over and over again. But the problem is there are so many routines in our daily life. Every day we wake up we brush our teeth, have breakfast, go to school and have the same lessons every single week, then we have lunch, have more lessons, go back home, do work and sleep. I find routines so boring it feels like I'm in jail. I also hate being told what to do. I like to have things my way, which doesn't mean I'm bossy. I accept other ways of doing things but it makes me feel stressed. I'm still learning how to accept this lifestyle and not put pressure on myself because I'm not in control of my life. It's a challenge to me. Sparky x

Today, I woke up terrified. I had the worst dream ever. In my dream, my mother told me she actually doesn't love me and uses me to earn money. I was crying the whole time and I felt like I didn't sleep at all. I noticed (my therapist pointed out) that I'm usually most stressed on Sunday nights, probably because it's Monday after that, which means school. I'm not sure why school makes me stressed, perhaps peer pressure? Sorry I promised to not only speak about my feelings on these daily life posts but here I am rambling on. Anyway, school wasn't too bad today, we met our Physics teacher for the first time. Physics is boring but what can I say, I need to take it this year anyway. I hope the coming few days will be better... Sparky x

Hi, this is where I'll update you with my daily lives. These posts won't be like others where I'm writing out my thought, it'll be more like what's happening in my life and how I feel about it. It's kind of a diary but I won't be writing every day. It'll hopefully be a little more casual. Sparky x