pov: you are me these days

[inspired by How To Become a Writer by Lorrie Moore]

Wake up at 1pm. Think about the weird dream you had, of how your childhood friend pulled a baby out of your vagina or how you were standing there naked at school in the middle of a busy hallway. Check your phone. Answer your mom's call and tell her you just woke up. Get told off. Realise you've slept for 12 hours straight. You haven't had so much sleep since January.

Wake up and drag yourself to the toilet. Stare at your reflection. You realise your lips are swollen. You tell yourself you should stop biting your lips. You feel a slight throbbing pain on the back of your head. You feel your boiling body temperature and wonder how long it'll be until you get sick.

Think about the relationship between mental health and physical health.

Stand outside the kitchen for 5 minutes, on and off Instagram, while trying to think what you should eat for breakfast. Struggle. You have no appetite, but your father would never let you skip breakfast. Thinking of the steps you have to do to get peanut butter on bread tires you. Get cereal because you're too unmotivated to get anything else.

Watch some vods of streams you've missed because you were having your finals. Feel the intense need to shit. Stumble to the toilet because your stomach hurts so bad. Realise it hurts almost every other day these days. Don't tell your parents. You don't know why you're struggling and you don't want them to know you're struggling. Perhaps you do know why, but you don't want to tell. Think about how it feels to not have stomach pain. Regret not being grateful for a non-painful stomach before. Tell yourself you don't want to vomit because it's the worst feeling in the world. Think about the relationship between mental health and physical health.

Somehow leave the bathroom alive. Play some Minecraft. Your online friends are either asleep or at work. You leave them a message in a book on your server and log off. Your headache intensifies. You don't care. Again, somehow, you've made it to the last few hours of the day. Think about your state of wanting to cry but can't. Think about whether posting these thoughts on your blog would be too much. You're not sure. Do it anyway.

Sparky x