Internal wailing

i remember vividly, the day when i came back from school, and my parents' friends were over. i locked myself in my room, turned off all the lights and lay on the cold hard bedroom floor, still in my school uniform. i've had the urge to cry for weeks, yet not a single teardrop was released. i wheezed in silence, afraid someone would find out. i wheezed in attempt to cry, but i could not. i remember watching as the sky dimmed, as the darkness slowly swallowed every trace of light from the hidden sun. time was ticking. my time to myself was running out. i had to leave time to calm myself down, too, before exiting my safe space and returning back to the real world.

i hated the feeling. the feeling of wanting to cry, wanting to let out all your emotions with a scream and pouring tears, but unable to, somehow. i call this feeling - internal wailing.

i remember this day vividly. it will forever remain as a core memory, of experiencing the most intense internal wailing of my life.