Conventional. Society. Boundaries.

Here I am, shivering naked and dripping wet as I type this entry because I'm scared it'd leave me again.

See, I've been living within boundaries. We all are. Technically, there is no society if there are no boundaries. Boundaries and expectations are essential for a group of people to become a "society", at least in my opinion. There will always be things that are conventional and unconventional; things as simple as murder is bad, or something that's unspoken but still there nonetheless, like what is considered "cool".

There are societies within a country, a workplace, a school, basically any place where there are a group of people who have boundaries and expectations.

Before I go off in a tangent about my theories or, I guess, rambling, I should probably mention what caused me to contemplate on this topic.

Well, I've always been one to get unnecessarily upset about feeling left out (a lot of people do, honestly), and during my school years in my home country, there were (are) many unspoken rules, expectations, standards you had to meet in order to survive, metaphorically speaking, and be "part of it". In simple words, there are things that are "cool" and "uncool". What is considered "cool"? What is considered "uncool"? No one knows, but also everyone knows. It's one of those things, knowledge, that you can't search up and expect an answer, yet, everyone within that society will reach a consensus, in some way even without communicating, whether something is conventional or unconventional.

When I first came to the UK, I felt so free. I was so shamelessly venturing out of the boundaries I used to conform to. Far far off. It felt weird to be able to do the things I wanted to try out for so long but couldn't. (I would name the things I did, but again, they should remain unspoken of. There is too much shame in speaking of them. You may not agree upon reading this, but trust me, they are better off unspoken than to have people lie about them being accepted.)

Of course, in the UK, it's a different society. They have different societal expectations. Yes, there are similarities, but different nonetheless. That is the initial reason I ventured out and broke the societal standards I grew up with. I thought, well, as long as I'm within the boundaries here then I'll be alright. The boundaries in my home country shouldn't affect me. Or so I thought.

I don't know if you've heard of the "male gaze". It's a societal phenomenon where females who grew up in an environment/society that sexualises women gets used to the sexualisation, or even enjoy them just like a male would, because they've learnt to enjoy them. I feel like something similar happened to me. I started judging myself with the eyes of those very societal expectations I "escaped" from, presumably because I grew up within these walls. (I'm not saying the expectations are wrong, this is just... something I've experienced.) It's almost like I'm the thief and the police at the same time.

On a side note, some people see these expectations as something extremely important, while others (they are rarer) do not. It surprises me when I meet someone who do not. But I also judge them with my "conventional gaze". I try not to, but in all honestly, I really do.

You might say: Fine. So basically, you want to feel accepted in a society. That's natural.

That is true, but I feel like it's not just that when it comes to actually having the "conventional gaze" (made-up name). Sure, I am still technically "monitored" by the society back in my home country through social media, but they're not even physically here to judge me. The "conventional gaze" comes from me. 

Sparky x

Ps me writing this entire post on this topic is shameful in some levels, but I had to get it off my chest.